Allah - Muhammad's Pimp

Allah passed down quite a few "revelations" that more than satisfied Muhammad's old man's interest in sex. These were revealed once he had power in Medina, not when he was a failing prophet in Mecca. They're all there in the eternal, infallible words of the Quran, to be memorized by generations of Muslim boys who read them and weep. Ah well, there's always martyrdom.

Muhammad lusted after his daughter-in-law Zaynab

Muhammad decided that his adopted son Zaid, a former slave, should marry his Muslim cousin Zaynab bint Jahsh but she refused due to her high status and his lowly one. Allah revealed that Muhammad was He, Who Must Be Obeyed. Qur'an (33:36).

Zaynab was hot! One day Muhammad went to her home and saw her déshabillé. Un coup de foudre! Lust filled his heart and other bodily parts. Problem. 6th century Arabia had a custom preventing a man from marrying the wife of his adopted son. She was hot! He was hot in a different way. No problem. Allah revealed that they must be divorced, rewrote the rules on adoption and ordered Muhammad (despite his pretended scruples) to marry her. If only all desires could be fulfilled by such revelations. Qur'an (33:37)

Aisha was pissed off. She was sure that Zaynab would lord it over them as her marriage had been commanded by the Majestic and Exalted, Great and Magnificent Allah. But Aisha got her own revelation. She was travelling with an army which accidentally left her behind in the desert as she had gone off looking for a lost necklace (she later claimed) without telling anyone. She was returned to the army's next camp the following day by the young and handsome warrior, Safwan bin al-Mu‘attal, who had "come across her" in the desert. Rumours that Aisha and Safwan had committed adultery quickly spread. Had old man Muhammad been cuckolded? After a few days Allah cleared up the situation with a revelation and now Aisha had her very own revelation "proving" she wasn't an adulteress. Qur'an (24:11-21)

Allah revealed that Muhammad could have more wives than you can shake a stick at (and you can do more than shake that stick), fuck any number of slave-girls as well (even if they were already married) and (just in case) he could marry his nieces if had another sudden attack of lust. Qur'an (33:50)

Muhammad was sent an Egyptian Christian slave girl by the Byzantine Governor of Alexandria, she is usually known as Mary the Copt, and she must have been really hot. Muhammad just couldn't or wouldn't fuck his other wives as he'd promised to. He only wanted to fuck this Mary. Hafsa (daughter of the powerful Umar) and Aisha (the one he started fucking when she was nine and the daughter of the powerful Abu Bakr) confronted him and were righteously pissed off and gave him a tongue lashing. Allah wouldn't stand for that and revealed that Muhammad could break his word any time he liked and fuck who he wanted, when he wanted and he could beat the shit out of his wives if they didn't shut the fuck up. Qur'an (33:51), Qur'an (66:1-5)

Aisha's sarcastic comment: "I feel that your Lord hastens in fulfilling your wishes and desires." - Bukhari Book 6 Volume 60 Hadith 311

Safiyya was a 17 year old Jewess living in Khaybar, a prosperous Jewish community based on growing date palms, trading and craftsmanship. Muhammad's army invaded Khaybar. The Muslims killed all the warriors including her husband who was tortured to reveal where the community's savings were hidden and she was given to one Dihya Al-Kalbi as his share of the booty. This is how the early Muslims supported themselves. Attacking weaker communities and stealing their goods. The Jewish survivors offered Muhammad a deal. They'd keep working their date palm plantations and pay 50% of the annual revenue to Muhammad. Done. Many of the men were talking about how exceptionally hot this Safiyya was (as you do) and so Muhammad took a look and told Dihya he'd have to choose another girl. That's no way to treat your mates. Muhammad fucked her that night. Was it rape? Probably she just lay back and remembered her husband being tortured. Actually she had to lay back for 3 days and nights before Muhammad had finished "consummating the marriage." Muslims have a bizarre explanation that this "marriage" eliminated the hostility of Arabian Jews to Muhammad.
Muslims have their own positive spin on this event … believe it or not.

Allah certainly provided a lot of convenient revelations for Muhammad. Muhammad's sex life was extensive and is notorious and the internet is full of tut-tutting and voyeurism about this. Unfortunately Muslim rules about male-female relationships were created by Muhammad, an old man with a harem of wives whom he did not attract in the usual ways and so those rules are completely unnatural for normal people. Muhammad was an old man, sexually fearful because he could not satisfy the large number of his wives and slave-girls. He sees their sexual dissatisfaction as insatiability and demands they hide their appearance and imprison their bodies to protect himself from cuckoldry, that most humiliating state for a man. So young Muslim men cannot meet their sexual and emotional needs in the natural way of young people because the rules of female social life were created for and by an old man with a harem.

But Muhammad is a warlord and cannot appear to be impotent so he has to boast about his sexual powers to keep up appearances in front of the men.

… The apostle of Allah said, "Gabriel brought a kettle from which I ate and I was given the power of sexual intercourse to forty men."
…The apostle of Allah was given the power to equal to that of forty men and the people of paradise will be given the power equal to eighty men. - Ibn Sad's "Kitab al-Tabaqat al-Kabir" volume 1, pages 438-39

As always the ladies have the last say though you have to read between the lines of Aisha's hadith (reported after Muhammad died):

Aisha narrated: Magic was worked on Allah's Apostle so that he used to think that he had had sexual relations with his wives while he actually had not. Then one day he said, "O Aisha, do you know that Allah has instructed me concerning the matter I asked Him about? Two men came to me and one of them sat near my head and the other sat near my feet. The one near my head asked the other: 'What is wrong with this man?' The latter replied, 'He is under the effect of magic.' The first one asked, 'Who has worked magic on him?' The other replied, 'Labid bin Al-Asam, a man from Bani Zuraiq who was an ally of the Jews and was a hypocrite.' The first one asked, 'What material did he use?' The other replied, 'A comb and the hair stuck to it.'" - Bukhari Book 7 Volume 71 Hadith 660

Guillaume notes that one Muslim scholar says that the spell lasted for an entire year … at least. We laugh at the report of black magic bewitching Muhammad but it was more important that Arabian warriors believed Muhammad be bewitched than impotent and pretending he was a great lover.

I don't care how many women he fucked, I'm concerned about how many women and men he had killed, enslaved or oppressed both directly and in the centuries to come with his "revelations" about Allah's commandments.

In September 2016 Nahid Hattar, a Jordanian writer, who was charged with offending Islam after allegedly sharing this satirical cartoon on his Facebook page was hit by three bullets outside the court in the capital Amman where he was standing trial. He died.